Novel Starters

Hey, anybody need any first liners for novels.  Here is a collection of first lines that anyone can have.  Go get ’em.

  1. Night descended on the pre-pubescent, North Dakota town like a massively obese Adolf Hitler tripping over a chocolate factory and sprawling headlong onto central Europe, enveloping the citizenry and its animal denizens in the fleshy folds of his carapace.


  1. As their eyes met across the crowded room, Hank’s frustration surmounted until it was the size and shape of Bea Arthur’s boustier, the one on her corpse.


  1. It was 3am on March 27th when Roger’s pelvis exploded like a rotten watermelon full of rabid chipmunks.


  1. Ernie had no clue where he was or how long he had been there, but he knew he had to get that darn octogenarian off his head immediately.


  1. “Whimsical,” Ellen answered, causing Martin to roll his eyes toward heaven and request for the eightieth time in the last half hour that God would smite her, smite her like no other could.


  1. The ghost of Marie Curie farted gently in Elroy’s face, rolling the 38-year-old Rastafarian out of bed and onto the cat.


  1. “Holy Dingus,” shouted Lenny as his pants fell down.


  1. Hank was a rugged man, the kind of man you’d get if steel wool mated with a sandblaster say, like, in Arkansas, but he had a sensitive side too, a side he liked to call his girly-man side or, in plain talk, his Benito Mussolini side.


  1. Loretta was a simple girl: simple like a jar of mayonnaise.


  1. She brandished the painting at him, frightening him enough that he dropped a pint of oil and a roll of quarters from some unknown orifice of his body, possibly from a lymph node.


  1. Forever was indeed a long time, but it had nothing on the length of the tapeworm currently residing in Hank’s small intestine.


  1. In certain areas of the world, courtesy and gentility rode hand-in-hand through a countryside where knowledge, love and toleration danced an awkward two-step, often tripping over one another’s feet but never completely cascading face first onto the ground; In this area of the world, however, Hank had his index finger jammed so far up his left nostril that he threatened to poke a hole through the back of his head.


  1. Hank swung himself off his trusty steed, Lumpy, placed two solid boots squarely on mother earth and proceeded to scratch his butt as hard as a one armed man raking a sand garden in a tsunami.

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