It’s bad enough that I get spam emails, and people calling my cell phone trying to sell me stuff. Then there’s the commercials on television, ads in magazines and on the radio. Once a week, I get this big envelope full of coupons for local businesses that I rarely need or use. Everybody is trying to save me money by trying to get me to spend money on stuff I probably don’t need anyway. Look, if I want to buy a bunch of stuff I don’t need, I’ll just go do it. I don’t need enticement.
So, I thought to myself (cause that’s how these things usually go), you know what I need to do, right? I need to come up with a Top 9 list of coupons that nobody in their right mind would want to receive. It just so happens that I think this about the coupons I’m receiving now, but I can actually picture that someone would like to save money on a lube job or new garage doors. So, maybe I’m in the minority. Anyway, for your viewing pleasure: coupons that nobody should want, although I acknowledge that there’s probably some sickos out there that could surprise me.
9. A Free membership in the Back-Hair Club for Women
Now, granted, I just saw the Greatest Showman and can acknowledge that facial hair for women may come back into style. It’s a long shot, but it could happen. But then there’s back-hair. And you want to know the worst thing about back-hair? You have to have help to remove it, because it’s not readily accessible. It’s not like waxing your legs or arms or whatever. This is your back…that you can’t reach. So, it’s doubly embarrassing. And, more than likely, you don’t even know you have it until someone tells you or you start rubbing your back and then end up playing with the hair. I mean, if you have a back-hair problem, then it would be a good thing to have a membership to this club, but you wouldn’t want your friends to sign you up at the library or anything cause it’d be really embarrassing…unless you need it.
8. One Free Haunting from the Ghost of Your Choice
Now, some may actually like a coupon like this because they like ghosts or they’re really intrigued with the supernatural or whatever. These people have too much time on their hands and should not be associated with freely. Most people would not like their house or selves or car to be haunted by any ghosts, even if it’s one of those cool ghosts, like Jim Morrison or Frank Zappa. They’d be really annoying, right? Even if they’re not trying to scare you, their monologues about how boring it is to be dead or a constant litany of new projects they’ve been working on but will never get to because they’re dead would just get on your nerves after time. It’s bad enough putting up with that with the living.
7. Free – All Expense Paid Vacation to a Turkish Prison
Okay, so I saw this movie a long time ago called Midnight Run or Midnight Gravy or some kind of midnight, where this guy got sent to a Turkish prison for trying to smuggle drugs, and the movie was so effective, I’ve never since smuggled drugs into or out of Turkey. Of course, I never did prior either, but now I never really would. Anyway, the takeaway is the guards there are jerks and you get mistreated and have to walk around in circles a lot. I didn’t get the circle thing, but it looked really boring. So, for fun and relaxing, the tip is don’t go to a Turkish prison, cause it’s not fun or relaxing.
6. One Free Moment of Existential Dread
Now, most people don’t need this coupon. They can do existential dread all by themselves. Okay, so what is existential dread and how does this affect me? Well, it can also be called existential angst or gestalt zeitgeist (I made that one up). Some would say that existential dread is that feeling where, if you were standing on a cliff, overlooking a great chasm, there is absolutely no reason why you should stand there, throw yourself off or just toss a large amount of tacos over the side. Existential dread is that conflict between personal freedom, the freedom to do whatever and responsibility toward the cosmos. Do you have a personal responsibility toward the cosmos and, if so, how many tacos is your life worth? Heady questions, indeed.
5. A New Identity from Witness Protection
This one sounds fun. I mean, who hasn’t dreamt about getting away from your own life and trying out someone else’s life for a bit. But, see, here’s the trick. The only ones who get a new identity from Witness Protection are the ones who’ve had to testify against people with odd nicknames, like “Lefty,” “Crazy Joe,” and “Crazy, baby-smashing, Oregano-lover.” In other words, you’ll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. And it may never happen. Or it could…when you least expect it. There’s nothing worse than expectantly waiting for the unexpected for the rest of your life.
4. Buy one Castration, Get One Free
Okay, so hopefully no one would ever willingly want to get castrated. But buy one, get one free? Even if you could convince yourself to get castrated, could you talk a buddy into doing it as well? Because if you could talk someone into joining you, maybe you should quit your crazy schemes right now and go into sales. You’d be a natural.
3. One Free Massage from Anthony Weiner
This one may be a bit dated and people may wonder who Anthony Weiner is. Well, I’m not going to go into the details, but if you need to know, you can look it up on the Internet. Suffice to say, you probably wouldn’t want a free message from Anthony Weiner. Oh, and while his outrageous antics were going on, may I add that they produced some of the best headlines I’ve ever read? Comedy gold.
2. Free Unnecessary Dental Work
This one I could probably leave up here with no explanation, because anyone and everyone should understand this. I mean sure, in Little Shop of Horrors, there was the part played by Jack Nicholson and Steve Martin that really enjoyed the pain, but that was done for laughs. People like that don’t really exist, do they?
1. Donate Two Organs for the Price of One
I mean, what’s better than sacrificial giving? Maybe sacrificial giving where it’s a total mystery what you’re giving. I mean, if there was someone who said, take any amount of money from my wallet. Big or small, I don’t care. Now, that would be a giver. They’d be congratulated. Maybe someone would say, “What a guy!” But then, what if there was a guy who said, “I’m gonna donate an organ to a needy recipient.” “Which one?” They ask. “You pick.” He says. Now, that’s a guy. Then, throw in the bonus that it’s a two for one coupon and you got a recipe that can’t be beat.